Many parents feel shame over adult children who are not independent, a hidden emotional burden laid bare in the comments beneath a Guardian advice column by Annalisa Barbieri published in late June. The column, which explored a mother’s wish for more time with her adult son, drew responses that equated successful parenting with raising independent children. But for a largely invisible generation of midlife parents, that equation leaves them carrying a crushing sense of failure.
The hidden struggle
One of those parents, writing anonymously to protect their children’s privacy, confesses to a “huge amount of shame”. Reading that successful parents produce independent adults, they say, makes many feel they have failed at the most important job of their lives. “The grief is immense,” they write. These are parents who have become experts at changing the subject when someone innocently asks: “What are your kids up to these days?” Behind closed doors, they have watched children who once thrived gradually withdraw from education, relationships and the outside world.
The emotional toll is profound. Research shows that parents of disabled children, including those with neurodivergent conditions, can experience significant challenges to their own mental health and may face unrecognised trauma. Neurodivergent parents are at a higher risk of parental burnout due to lower access to support, social isolation and stigma. Burnout is associated with depression, anxiety and a higher risk of suicide. The anonymous parent describes life “quietly and profoundly shrinking around caring”.
Financial strain often accompanies the emotional weight. Parents may be supporting adult children who are not earning. A benefit such as Carer’s Allowance is available for those spending at least 35 hours a week caring for a disabled person, but financial help can be difficult to access. The “full nest” phenomenon is growing: in England and Wales, the number of non-dependent adult children living at home increased by nearly 15% between 2011 and 2021, with an average age of 24. Housing affordability, unemployment and the provision of unpaid care all play a part, delaying parents’ own life transitions and their sense of an “empty nest”.
The Neet generation
The term Neet – not in employment, education or training – has been part of UK policy language since the late 1990s. It typically refers to 16- to 24-year-olds, though some contexts extend the range to 35 to account for prolonged transitions into adulthood. Historical data indicates that the number of Neets in Britain has exceeded one million. The letter writer’s own adult children belong to this group, and they are far from alone.
The underlying reasons are varied and often complex. Neurodivergence is one major factor: an estimated 15% of the UK population is neurodivergent, including conditions such as autism and ADHD. Adult ADHD diagnoses have risen significantly as awareness grows that it is a lifespan condition. Parents of autistic children can experience significant stress and may face barriers accessing support for their children’s mental health needs. Severe mental illness is another driver. Approximately one in four adults in England experiences a mental health problem each year, and rates of common mental health conditions have risen, particularly among young adults.
Post-Covid syndrome, or Long Covid, has added a new dimension. As of early 2023, two million people in the UK reported suffering from Long Covid, with persistent fatigue, cognitive problems and breathing difficulties making work difficult. Economic inactivity due to long-term sickness has risen, and an estimated 80,000 people had left employment because of Long Covid by March 2022. Chronic ill health is also a significant factor: in 2016, 11.9 million working-age people in the UK had a long-term health condition. Sickness absence rates for those with such conditions are considerably higher, and chronic diseases can lead to depression, a common complication. The letter writer lists neurodivergence, severe mental illness, post-Covid syndrome and chronic ill health among the reasons bright young people “just can’t seem to get started in adult life”.
Navigating support systems can add to parents’ distress. The welfare system itself can exacerbate symptoms for those dealing with Long Covid. While GPs can refer people to NHS counsellors, waiting times for services such as Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services are long and provision is often time-limited. There is a recognised need for more comprehensive support for parents caring for children with severe learning disabilities and challenging behaviour.
A call for parental support
The anonymous parent asks why, if supporting parents gives children the best start in life, we stop providing that support when caring becomes harder rather than easier. Every article about Neets, they note, rightly asks how to better support young people. “But almost none ask what this means for the parents holding everything together behind closed doors.”
Several organisations offer help for families with complex needs, including the National Autistic Society, Carers Trust, Mencap and the Challenging Behaviour Foundation. Financial support is available through benefits such as Child Benefit, Universal Credit, Carer’s Allowance and Council Tax Reduction. Legal protections exist under the Equality Act 2010, which requires employers to make reasonable adjustments for employees with long-term health conditions, and there are calls to recognise Long Covid as a disability under the Act. Yet the gap between provision and need remains wide.
For parents who change the subject when asked about their children, who carry shame and grief, the conversation has barely begun. “If supporting parents gives children the best start in life,” the letter concludes, “why do we stop supporting parents when the caring becomes harder, not easier?”